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7/23/2008 Jaane tu yaa jaane naa....na aur koi jaane..na aur koi...As regular readers mite know, there are very few things in life that move me to write prose, as is evident from the infrequent postings. And even then, it is mainly my angst at wholly avoidable, torturous situations that finds vent through my writing. Today I was subjected to..or rather subjected myself to this 3 hour ordeal cleverly disguised in the form of a movie- jaane tu ya jaane na.
The title is very apt..and is most probably lifted from a conversation between the director and the producer. or maybe the actors, spotboys etc. It would be something like dis..
Producer: u know what we are doing here? (jaane tu ya jaane na?)
Director: rolling on the floor laughing.
Apparntly, NOONE in this film knows (jaans) wats happening. Director, producer, actors no one. Least of all the audience. The film has absolutely no plot, or the semblance of a story. It just attempts to mish mash some of the most primitve human emotions- love and jealousy.
The tagline of the movies states: When do you know its love? Well, the much awaited answer ladies and gentlemen is when another guy kisses ur love. or wen ur girlfriend comes first thing in the morning and tells - Jai. maine bohot socha. mujhe lagta hai tum aditi se pyaar karte ho! I mean WTF!
The only saving grace of the movie are the songs, that too pappu and aditi . However, such is my luck that even they were rendered useless by this excited female sitting next to me with her feet up n her celphone on loud. This magnificent specimen knew ALL the words of ALL the songs, and the tune of NONE. Add to that her melifluous voice that sounded like nails scratching a blackboard..and there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the antimatter that can annihilate A.R Rahman.
Add to that, a half capacity crowd half of which had there tongues in each other's mouths ( I looked around coz I was bored out of my wits!) and the other half so illiterate as to laugh on the slightest hint of a joke. Recipe for a massive ear splitting headache!
I cannot even begin to imagine the kind of people who liked this movie. As it is, humans use 30% of their brain, this movie gaurantees the elimination of atleast half of those. And this has ben certified as a "Hit". Just goes to show what hype can do in this age of spin doctors and PR. If a subpar, inhumanly pathetic, characterless, storyless, dialoguesless piece of recycled fim can be a hit, ANYTHING can be a hit. You just need the right marketing. I predict 10 years from now, this movie shall be used as an example in B-schools to showcase the power of marketing and in hospitals to kill cancer cells.
However, to give credit where credit is due, Paresh Rawal is his usual smiley self. I refrain from the use of the word "funny", coz d dialogues he was given rendered it almost impossible to laugh. The most we could manage was a hint of a smile.
I had previously forgotten two very very VERYYYYY important parts of the "story".
1.Whats this!! Yes. Yes. Yes. it is with great pride that I announce the arrival of this classic game which shall soon be played by every man, woman and child.....in a mental asylum!
The main object of this game is to give delusional, hallucinational ( I noe its nt a wrd!) , idiotic, insanely stoopid descriptions of mundane things.
Eg. Meghna (Jai's "girlfriend" for the better part of the movie) (Pointing to a handcart) - Jai! Whats this?
Jai- Its a 13th century cannonball wich was used by akbar to blast the balls of his enemies! yeay!!
Meghna - I was thinking the SAME thing!! wow! muaaah!
Audience - Bleeding to death. choking. puking.
Heres an intresting piece of review that I would have given if I had the chance:
Me- Hey Abbas! (the director). (pointing to my hand) Whats this??
(before giving him a chance to reply) THWACK! its a slap!
2. Ranjhore k Rathore! Well, this is another novel idea that has been thrusted down the throat of the movie and consequently the audience for generating laughs. Apparently, har Ranjhore k Rathoe ko "Mard" banne k liye teen cheezein karni hoti hain:
a) Ghode pe chadhna
b) Kissiki pitaai karna
c) Jail jaana
If they dont do this, I suspect they are castrated. Else what could be the reason Sohail khan and Arbaaz khan would prance around Mumbai on horses, wearing...hold ur breath! ...cowboy suits!!
I am beginning to suspect I might be leading people to actually go and watch the movie to witness this insanity firsthand. Please, I have no such intentions. Except maybe for psychiatrics who want to get rid of their particularly tiresome patients. They may prescribe this movie and gleefully see their patients commit suicide.
PS: Genelia d'souza is cute. Imran khan is an ass who dsnt know how to act.
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