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Ramblings of an engineer (to be)...Save human race from engineering...dont let your children take science... 3/26/2009 Global Credit Crunch and what not...Dear All,
I am picking up the pen after quite sometime now...about 6 months...to pen what I figure will be one of my more unpopular posts...(Spoiler Alert: Its not funny)
Recession. Sub-prime. Credit Crunch. Liquidity. Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. Collapse. Wall Street. 401K. Deflation. Mortgage. Forclosure. Deliquency. Hedge funds. Leverage. Portfolio Banking. CDO. CDS.
Phew! It feels so good to get those out of my system. These words have been haunting the global scene for quite sometime now. But they have had a relatively negligible effect on 20 year olds doing Comp sc engg far from the maddening crowd. Besides me.
I had a chance to go to a competition that involved me looking up most of the aforementioned words, and try and understand their meaning. I would say I succeeded to a degree that seemed impossible when I began, and while Mohsin might taunt and torment me forever for this but: HEIL WIKIPEDIA!!!
Those stupid blue hyperlinks that irritated me so when I looked up something I knew to a reasonable extent, those clickables that inadvertently took me to another page even when I didn't wanna go there...they became my lifesavers! I think I had a little crush on hyperlinks and wikipedia just about then! Sample this:
Background information: Science student who's only interaction with money is pocket money and stipend, who's most mammoth achievement in a bank has been to get a banker's cheque and who doesn't know the F of Finance.
Subprime Crisis:
The subprime mortgage crisis is an ongoing financial crisis triggered by a dramatic rise in mortgage delinquencies and foreclosures in the United States, with major adverse consequences for banks and financial markets around the globe. The crisis, which has its roots in the closing years of the 20th century, became apparent in 2007 and has exposed pervasive weaknesses in financial industry regulation and the global financial system.
Whooosh!! (sound made by above statement as it sped past the upper extremities of my head usually accompanied by a hand gesture with similar movement)
The only word I could understand there was United States, apart from conjunctions and prepositions ofcourse (I'm not stoopid you know).
Hence the click-every-alternate-word fetish.
Anyhoo, as it turned out, the effort was not worth it for the competition per-se. I would have done just as well narrating baba black sheep in prose.
BUT, it did serve to give me some perspective on the Liquidity Crisis that has enveloped the world.
Thought overload.....brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....OUT.
9/24/2008 Peeptee peelz por your thoughts!So, I'm interning in this supremely awesum organisation that throws up new and interesting challenges frequently. I broaden my horizons everyday at the speed of light and explore new avenues. A hefty pay packet, sexy colleagues in mini skirts and flexible timings complete the experience.
And this is the best case scenario!! It may even be like this:
Anyhoo, once past the secretary, things become incresingly less intresting. So if I'm lucky I reach the purchasing manager, I explain to him the "aims and objectives" of the company and how we can "help" them get more out of life, and satisfy all their buying needs.At this point, one of two things happen: 1. The manager's head explodes. I mean WHO on God's green Earth wants to be told how to get his job done? Anyhooo...in my wild adventures across the maze of telephone lines that criss cross fantastic lands and languages, I have come across a few things that just NEVER fail to entice people into the trap of saying YES. These are: 1. Its FREE!
Well, if your are looking for the great unifying theme in this post, as is present in all other posts...well then clearly you haven't read the other posts. So get to it all my "intern"et mates!! (I just love using that pun over and over again!) PS: This post was earlier even named 'Of interns and the 'intern'et'. But that was not racy enough. 7/23/2008 Jaane tu yaa jaane naa....na aur koi jaane..na aur koi...As regular readers mite know, there are very few things in life that move me to write prose, as is evident from the infrequent postings. And even then, it is mainly my angst at wholly avoidable, torturous situations that finds vent through my writing. Today I was subjected to..or rather subjected myself to this 3 hour ordeal cleverly disguised in the form of a movie- jaane tu ya jaane na.
The title is very apt..and is most probably lifted from a conversation between the director and the producer. or maybe the actors, spotboys etc. It would be something like dis..
Producer: u know what we are doing here? (jaane tu ya jaane na?)
Director: rolling on the floor laughing.
Apparntly, NOONE in this film knows (jaans) wats happening. Director, producer, actors no one. Least of all the audience. The film has absolutely no plot, or the semblance of a story. It just attempts to mish mash some of the most primitve human emotions- love and jealousy.
The tagline of the movies states: When do you know its love? Well, the much awaited answer ladies and gentlemen is when another guy kisses ur love. or wen ur girlfriend comes first thing in the morning and tells - Jai. maine bohot socha. mujhe lagta hai tum aditi se pyaar karte ho! I mean WTF!
The only saving grace of the movie are the songs, that too pappu and aditi . However, such is my luck that even they were rendered useless by this excited female sitting next to me with her feet up n her celphone on loud. This magnificent specimen knew ALL the words of ALL the songs, and the tune of NONE. Add to that her melifluous voice that sounded like nails scratching a blackboard..and there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the antimatter that can annihilate A.R Rahman.
Add to that, a half capacity crowd half of which had there tongues in each other's mouths ( I looked around coz I was bored out of my wits!) and the other half so illiterate as to laugh on the slightest hint of a joke. Recipe for a massive ear splitting headache!
I cannot even begin to imagine the kind of people who liked this movie. As it is, humans use 30% of their brain, this movie gaurantees the elimination of atleast half of those. And this has ben certified as a "Hit". Just goes to show what hype can do in this age of spin doctors and PR. If a subpar, inhumanly pathetic, characterless, storyless, dialoguesless piece of recycled fim can be a hit, ANYTHING can be a hit. You just need the right marketing. I predict 10 years from now, this movie shall be used as an example in B-schools to showcase the power of marketing and in hospitals to kill cancer cells.
However, to give credit where credit is due, Paresh Rawal is his usual smiley self. I refrain from the use of the word "funny", coz d dialogues he was given rendered it almost impossible to laugh. The most we could manage was a hint of a smile.
I had previously forgotten two very very VERYYYYY important parts of the "story".
1.Whats this!! Yes. Yes. Yes. it is with great pride that I announce the arrival of this classic game which shall soon be played by every man, woman and child.....in a mental asylum!
The main object of this game is to give delusional, hallucinational ( I noe its nt a wrd!) , idiotic, insanely stoopid descriptions of mundane things.
Eg. Meghna (Jai's "girlfriend" for the better part of the movie) (Pointing to a handcart) - Jai! Whats this?
Jai- Its a 13th century cannonball wich was used by akbar to blast the balls of his enemies! yeay!!
Meghna - I was thinking the SAME thing!! wow! muaaah!
Audience - Bleeding to death. choking. puking.
Heres an intresting piece of review that I would have given if I had the chance:
Me- Hey Abbas! (the director). (pointing to my hand) Whats this??
(before giving him a chance to reply) THWACK! its a slap!
2. Ranjhore k Rathore! Well, this is another novel idea that has been thrusted down the throat of the movie and consequently the audience for generating laughs. Apparently, har Ranjhore k Rathoe ko "Mard" banne k liye teen cheezein karni hoti hain:
a) Ghode pe chadhna
b) Kissiki pitaai karna
c) Jail jaana
If they dont do this, I suspect they are castrated. Else what could be the reason Sohail khan and Arbaaz khan would prance around Mumbai on horses, wearing...hold ur breath! ...cowboy suits!!
I am beginning to suspect I might be leading people to actually go and watch the movie to witness this insanity firsthand. Please, I have no such intentions. Except maybe for psychiatrics who want to get rid of their particularly tiresome patients. They may prescribe this movie and gleefully see their patients commit suicide.
PS: Genelia d'souza is cute. Imran khan is an ass who dsnt know how to act.
7/23/2006 Orkutting to College Life..updated..again...n againIt is a very firm belief of mine that not necessity, but BOREDOM is the mother of all inventions/discoveries. I mean would Newton have actually discovered gravity if he had a regular 9 to 5 job with a pestering wife and nagging kids?? Would Thomas Edison have conducted his 1000 failed experiments on his way to the bulb if he had been spanked by his teacher on the butt??And Galileo would never have gone up the tower of Pisa if he had been asked to "weigh common objects using a meter scale" like we were supposed to in the class 12 boards..!!
But...since these things were not done...here we are..stuck wid gravity, calculus, da bulb which makes it possible to study even at night
 , calculus , galileo's telescope, calculus  u get da drift...All this preamble just to tell you- I am bored. Now if you are wondering what grreat idea has been borne out of MY boredom (which u most certainly aren't if u noe me) then here is the answer..I have conceived (no pun intended) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (n dat is not da name of a boy/girl/homo...u perverts!).
However, what I did stumble across was-ORKUT...an interesting time paas from the stables of...hu else..google.
The catch being that this site is blocked in da UAE because 'it is in conflict with the social and/or cultural values of the UAE'..guess it isn't in their culture to make friends...or check out hot women's pics...(since there are too many hot women walking da streets alredy, i spose)
Anywaz, doin the latter, I found this wonderful piece of work, which perhaps resembles my first post a BITS...I found this in da scrapbook of a girla called Ritika Arora. Found it really gud..humorous as well as poignant...although it has absi=olutely no similarity to MY college life...we don't have a canteen, we dont have ladkiyan mentioned in there...but it does have all that I WISH.... Here it is( It is written by sm guy called anshu)
WO COLLEG KI KAHANI
Yeh degree bhi lelo ye naukari bhi lelo, Bhale Chheen lo mujhse USA ka Visa........... magar mujhko lauta do college ka canteen, vo chaay ka paani vo teeKha samosaa.......... kadi dhoop mein apne ghar se nikalnaa, vo project ki Khatir shahar bhar bhataknaa, vo lecture mein doston ki proxy lagaanaa, vo sir ko chidhanaa ,vo aeroplane udaanaa, vo submission ki raton ko jagnaa jagaanaa, vo orals ki kahani vo practical ka Kissaa..... bimaari ka reason de ke time badhanaa, vo doosron ke assignments ko apnaa banaanaa, vo seminar ke din paironka chhatpatanaa, vo workshop mein din raat pasinaa bahanaa, vo exam ke din ka bechain maahaul, par vo maa ka vishvas - Teachar ka Bharosaa..... vo pedon ke neeche gappe ladanaa, vo raaton mein drawing sheets banaanaa, vo exams ke akhari din theatre mein jaanaa, vo bhole se freshers ko hamesha sataanaa, without any reason common off pe jaanaa, test ke waqt table mein kitabon ko rakhnaa isi tarah teachers ko dena Jhansaa........
college ki sabse purani nishaanee, vo chaaywala jise saare kehte the... jaani, vo jaani ke hathon ki 'cutting' chaay meethee, vo chupkese journal mein bheji hui chitthi, vo padh tehi chiththi uska bhadakna, vo chehre ki laali vo aankhon ka Gussaa..... college ki wo saari lambisi raatein, vo doston se canteen mein pyaari si baatein, vo gathering ke din ka ladnaa Jhagadnaa, vo ladkiyon ka yuhin hamesha akadnaa, bhulaaye nahin bhool sakta hai koi, vo college, vo batein, vo shararatein vo javani... kaash hum phir dohra sakte kahani...... vo kagaz ki kashti vo barish ka pani Another parody..dis time of an english song...found in da scrap book of Natasha...check it out...(it helps if u sing/read it in tune.)
Another reallllllllly funny piece I read in my frnd Gaurav's scrapbook:
If engineers start making films, the names will be:
current ho na ho, jaanam supplykaro, aa ab B.Tech karen, Kabhi A.C. Kabhi D.C, Hamari IC apke pas hai, fuse lagaya to darna kya, engineer no.1, engineering koi khel nahi, input wale output le jayenge, Maine engineering kyu kiya..! This one is self explanatory...
PJ rockers presents ... da best PJ till date ...
Once upon a time, there were two friends 'JO' ans 'SO'.both of them were dudes. One day they decided to go to a jungle. while going through jungle, A HUGE SNAKE COMES IN FRONT OF THEM!! JO gets frightened , but SO dies!! WHY?? .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. A: JO darr gaya..SO marr gaya Then JO goes to a town.There he meets WO. Being a Sceptic person JO and WO becoms RIVALS. one day both of them decided to fight. whoever wins will get the property of other.. FIGHT STARTS.... JO being a good warrior WINS! But to everyones surprise WO IS ELECTED AS THE KING!!!!!!! WHY??? .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. A:JO jeeta...WO hi Sikandar! Now a simple question.. "WHO IS JO?" .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ... .. A:"KAMBAQT ISHQ" (remember 'KAMBAQT ISHQ hai JO..') Cointinuing with the good stuff...
If the Titanic was made in India.....
1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship 2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain 3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya" 4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die on the first dip 5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson 6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees. 7) Himesh Reshammiya could not use his nose to sing as his nose would be running due to the cold weather condition. And last but not least 8) More Than Half of the rescue boats would be reserved for SC/ST/OBC Another one...
Angrez chale gaye....... Angrezii chod gaye
Have a nice day! -----> Achcha din lo! What's up? ----- >Uppar kya hai? You're kidding! ----->Tum bachcha bana rahe ho! Don't kid me! -----> Mera bachcha mut banaao! Yo, baby! What's up? -----> Beti Yo, uppar kya hai? Cool man! -----> Thandaa aadmi! Don't mess with me, dude.-----> Mere saath gandagee mat karo, e vyakti. She's so fine! -----> Woh itnee baareek hai! Listen buddy, that chick's mine, okay!?-----> Suno dost, woh choozaa mera hai, theek? Are you nuts? -----> Kya aap akhrot hain? And the best ones are..... How do you do? -----> Kaise karte ho? General Body Meeting.... ----->Saamanya Shaaririk Milan Keep in touch ----------> Chhoote Raho..... !! 7/21/2006 From Dubai to Bhilaai...remember 21st of July... If you are wondering what the title is all about.....well...its a cheap imitation of the V for Vendetta waali line..Remember Remember the 5th of november...!!!
<pause> ( To allow u to bang your head in the nearest wall...or your comp if u dont like it much and want to buy a new one with intel duo core processor)
But wait..!!! There's another reason too...(n its not as bad as da first..) I wanted to emphasise da date I'm writing this on...21st July.
Well ladies and gentlemen of the jury...today is the day Pirates of the Carribean - Dead Man's Chest is releasing in the God forsaken country of India.!!! Thats rite. The film(English teacher:MOOVIEE!!
 ) I have been waiting to watch since da past one month. The movie whose trailer while watching the damned football worldcup always made me think...."Oh..how nice it would be to watch the premier..."......wishful thinking of a wishful teenager...But wait (pleeez!)...there's a twist...God actually listened to me..ya dats rite...I actually WON a couple of tickets to THE PREMIER absolutely free...from the Hindustan Times Contest (I thot I'd leave out da name of the paper..but what da hell..they DID gimme da tickets...so HT..here's my gratitude in da form of free publicity..!)
I had to fight with an auto wallah..call da cops..buy a cigarette(I hate all these things by the way..if u dint get da drift....)...ask EVERY guy in Connaught Place yesterday for change...climb the stairs to the 6th floor....get off on the 16th floor while going Down!!... n all dat I did willingly...(I may even say Lovingly..) for those tickets that were waiting for me at the HT office...
Nywaz...finally...at 5.45 pm, yesterday..with everybody moving out of the office..n me sweating blood...dat I'd definitely be late and consequently lose the tickets...I somehow reached the 6th floor...(I wont describe how...coz dat'd be an article in iself...interested readers can take a hint from da previous paragraph..) No black skinned, white haired ,paan chewing,disgustingly overweight guard has ever appeared more beautiful to my eyes than the guard that sat there...I hurriedly went to him and asked about my tickets...apparently..his English teacher had not been as firm with him as mine had been with me...so da word "Movie tickets" was entirely foreign to him (as it shud be..)..."Phillum ki ticketein bhaiyaaa!!" got his undivided attention though..n he proceeded to fish out a paper from a drawer..
Beautiful Guard: Number boliye
Me: ********************
Guard<looking confused n scratching his head>: Lekin yeh ticketein to koi pehle hi le jaa chukaa hai....
Me<looking dazed...den murderous>: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Aisa nahi ho sakta bhaiya..dhyan se dekho...mujhe abhi toh phone aaya tha k meri tickets padhi hain..
mother*** son of a b*** Guard:<showing me the paper> yeh dekhiye....saurabh le gaya...
n sure enough there was signed saurabh in front of my number...
Me: <vowing to personally kill ALL Saurav's of da world...den rationally thinkin and toning it down to all Saurav's of India only..> Bhaiya mai kissi saurav ko nahi jaanta(na jaanna chahta hoon!) mujhe meri ticketein chahiye...aap kissi afsar (officer) ko bulaaiye..
Guard<relishing the oppprtunity to throw me out when this is over> : Achcha rukiye..
During this time, a brilliant thought came to my mind (NO he hadn't left the paper there so I cud sneak a peek at it and quote a different unsigned number...) THIS WAS A BUSINESS...I mean ...u see da HT Contest...go to their office..quote a fictitious number..da dumb guard will say"Yahaan to YEH likha hai" n u say..."haan haan..sorry...woh jeetne ki khushi mei galat bol diya..hehe"...n take da tickets, sign n flee...as simple as dat...all it needs is..a bit of pluck...n I have BITSS of pluck...nywaz.. I realised I had been duped..n first admired da courage of my dupers...den cursed dem..n den wowed to do da same thing at the premier of the very next movie dat hit town...den I accepted my fate...n chided myself for even thinking I cud win a movie ticket in some dumb contest...but then I congratulated myself..that technically I HAD won the tickets..even if I cudn't njoy dem...I thot of the free tickets...da great movie...da smell of butter popcorn...
Officer:SIRRRR...SIR!! Are you the one who has come to collect the tickets?
Me:<with trepidation> Yes...
Officer: Whats your number?
Me: ***************
Officer: OK. <fishing out an envelope> Here they are..please be there by 7.
Me: <dying on the spot and then coming back to life> Hmm...thnx <feigning confidence..n I-knew-it was-all-a-mistake>
Thanx bhaiya.
Beautiful guard: hmmmm....<in private conversation with the God of throwing out people>
Fast forwarding to the next day...afternoon. The only detail required here is dat upon being informed of winning, I had called a gud friend to come watch da movie wid me...n he had happily agreed(Who wouldn't want to go to a free movie premier..rite?!!)
WRONG. OH SOOOOO SOOOOOO WRONG. Da guy messages me at 3 in da afternoon.....n tells me he is busy in da evening..n to go f*** myself (actually he asked me to njoy...bt da meaning is same...)
Ok. I understand..(although I don't..I mean..Who wouldn't want to go to a free movie premier..rite?!!) There was no hope of getting anyone else since there are very few people here...n evrybdy has his/her plans....so...to drown my sorrows...I hooked up to da internet...n lo n behold..what do I come to noe dere...our guy has already gone and seen da movie at another hall...n good friends are supposed to stab you in the front...dunno HU makes dese crazy(but impressive sounding) sayings....
Nywaz..jo ho gaya so ho gaya....I wish he'd told me about his plans...but in da chracteristic Indian style...he kept me as his backup...if dat dint work out..he'd have gladly gone with me...one bird in hand...one bird in bush....
But all this makes me think how sometimes...we are so near our goals...n yet so far....how sometimes a wish remains unfullfilled even after being fulfilled...Call it fate, call it destiny..or attribute it to the almighty God...somethings are just not meant to happen...like Bill getting blown by Monica in peace...Bush making a speech in perfect English...India getting rid of reservation......n me watching the movie premier of Pirates 2.....!!!
PS: If u r da"friend". All this is a work of fiction and bears no remblance to anyone living or dead. If it does, then it is purely coincidental and the author shall bear no responsibility of physical, social or psychological damage due to the same.
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